literature

Chilli Squid

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Rieal-Dragonsbane's avatar
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Literature Text

I couldn’t get us to fit together anymore. Did it feel awkward for her too? My friend parted from the hug and I wanted her to slap me.

“I’m so hungry,” she said, sitting back down at the booth with her husband. “What took you so long?”

The slap would come later – today for sure – I wouldn’t chicken out. I sat opposite them and almost tried to gulp water from a glass that had not been filled yet.

Laughing off their question, I watched the conveyor belt of small coloured plates pass as by. “It was cold. My bed was warm.”

“Don’t feel bad,” her husband said. He put an arm around my friend. “I like staying in bed too.” He kissed her cheek and she slapped his chest, blushing. I’ve heard it said that you can always trust a person who blushes. He never blushed. I snapped my chopsticks open.

We chose our plates off the belt. I tried to not notice the grace of his hands as he used his sticks or the way he leaned away from his wife while at rest. Has she noticed the discontent behind his smile?

“Are you okay?” my friend asked. She had paused whatever she was talking about with a half-raised chilli squid pointed at me. “You look zoned out.”

He looked at me funny. Then he smiled at his wife. “She’s fine,” he said before stabbing his sushi and popping it in his mouth.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Our piles of plates grew. I was supposed to have told her by now. Maybe doing this in a public place was a bad idea. But I didn’t want to face what would come alone and a public place would temper her reaction.

She exhaled and my body tightened as I readied myself for the inevitable accusations, the curses, the tears.

“Mm, this is good. Try some.” She slid her plate of chicken teriyaki to him.

“No, thanks.” He slid it back to her and his greedy eyes came to my plate. “I’d like to have some of that chicken katsu though.”

“Well, you can fuck off,” I said. Whatever awkwardness my thoughtless comment should have brought was neutralised by the rare appearance of dessert.

“Oh my god, grab that dorayaki for me,” my friend said.

He tried, but it slipped away. “Whoops. Sorry.”

“You should have tried harder,” I said. He grunted a reply.

This time the awkwardness went uninterrupted. We ate.

She exhaled and I tightened again. “We have something to tell you,” she said.

I put my chopsticks down and hurried to chew my food. “What?” I asked.

She held her husband’s hand. Couldn’t she tell? Didn’t she suspect? She laughed. “You tell her.”

His nod was stiff. “We’re having a baby.”

I jerked. My thoughts flatlined. In a moment of stillness I heard my own voice compel me to do it now. If only there had been food in my mouth. Disaster could have been averted.

I ignored his silent pleas. “You’re a fucking coward,” I said to him, “and I’m no better.”

:iconwriters-workshop:

This was written for The Metamorphosis workshop, in which we had to write the aftermath of a change without sharing what the change is.

Two firsts for this story:

:bulletblue: First time I set a story in a real place (I think). I love going to YO! Sushi and writing this made me crave chilli squid and other deliciousness.

:bulletblue: First time I handwrote the first draft and it felt really good. Staring at a blank page of a notebook is much more encouraging than staring at a blank Word document. The story took form quickly because I wasn’t editing as I wrote. I typed it up on the computer the next day, changing and adding and deleting as I went. Then I redrafted it a few days later (the day before the deadline).

I’d love to hear your critique. :)

© 2014 - 2024 Rieal-Dragonsbane
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BATTLEFAIRIES's avatar
Merry CRITmas!

Since you were so kind as to donate points to the cause, here's yours truly, ready to deliver death and destruction a sincere c&c. How I'm going to go about this is, first I tell you what I liked about this morsel and then I'll move on to any concerns I may have. Sound good?

Firstly, kudos and a pat on the back for trying your hand at something new! Choosing a real place as a location is pledging to do it honour, and I think I can perceive your love for YO! Sushi when I see those carefully picked names and the fondly remembered details, like the chopsticks. That was a nice touch, and it was a good to have such concrete details in a flash fic that is mostly about a conversation.

My point of concern though is, that for the life of my I can't decide on its meaning. There are several things that I think could have been the cause of the narrator's words, but I find nothing to that helps me to single on out. As such, the story seems unfinished. The title is not helping either, there.

That said I did enjoy the read: your style is crisp, you had me hooked from the start with the narrator's thoughts and doubts.
Take of my little critique what you want, even if it's just the praise. By all means, take the praise! It is well-earned.

Happy holidays!